dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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