Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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