U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
