Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
