Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
