She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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