Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
even my farts smell like vagina
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
