I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
