I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
