My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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