He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
