just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
