I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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