I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
