Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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