When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize