Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
