The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
