I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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