i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
