he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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