The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
