Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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