Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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