What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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