remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize