My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
