new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
