she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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