You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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