I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
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I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
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I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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