before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
