I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
