I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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