Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
