i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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