i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
