I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
