did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
