what day is it and did you see me today?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Congratulations! We have a period
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