What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
