Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
