can we get nightvision for the apartment?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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