I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
