absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
