Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
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The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
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We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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