I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
