I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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