My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
there is glitter all over my balls
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