I met the friendliest cop last night
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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