I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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