when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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