god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize