The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
