It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
