Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
