You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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